Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part