DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?