If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
That’s not how days work.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.