“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!