If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
You Might Also Like
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door