genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You Might Also Like
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them