My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-