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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows