wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I’m giving up ice.