Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.