Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You Might Also Like
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI