Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
(yawn)
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Meeeee too!