Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily