People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.