*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Harsh but fair
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.