landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
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Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
When you kidnap a writer.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: