My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend