If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
bears
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
i really liked this one
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
shampoo implies shampee
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Oh the world we live in…
spot the difference
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations