Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices