Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I’ve had worse
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Sponch
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ