If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Every time.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
do what now??
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.