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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*