A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.