“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
😂 amazing answer
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body