It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Girl, same.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
presenting your incognito window wrapped
LOOOOOOL
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.