Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.