Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
You Might Also Like
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other