I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”