Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*