I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?