Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.