MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera