My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Its true…
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.