“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
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Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
That’s it.I’m out.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.