I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The Backseat Boys
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.