I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
WHO DID THIS?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My purse is deeper than some people.