I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“no gods no masters” = leo
I’M CRYINGGG
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month