Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.