WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…