[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
hmmm
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.