You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
There’s only one good girl here!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.