You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.