1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends