uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
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[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
They’re not wrong