me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Yes, this is exactly right
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.