My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
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What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi