For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
#StillHurts
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say