My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.