In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
good for her
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.