It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.